Phobia Of Life

And now it’s time for bed.

I wish I was more interesting, my page is rather dull, but at least I can say that with a bit of humor.

This is just so people know I’m not dead, I’ve just been very busy and had nothing to talk about, nothing to really complain about. Progress is slow, I’ve had a few rather lonely nights, and become emotional or upset once or twice, but I haven’t slid back into depression.

Thanks. :)

I think I’m starting to go stir crazy. I feel like I have more energy than I used to, but nothing to do with said energy. This is an unexpected issue.

It seems that even though I’m working my way out of my shell a little bit at a time, the people I know still think of me a certain way. This is understandable, and I think it will change over time, but it isn’t making my progress any easier.

A big part of this is that I really wish I’d make a little more progress with girls. I’m not looking for casual sex and to never call again, and I’m not looking for love happily ever after either. I just wish I had something more going on than being entirely by myself. Whatever it would be, someone to have a casual dinner with, or talk about our feelings, or send me naughty texts or pictures (I’m probably just dreaming on that one), or just give a hug to, anything would be nice really. But I think the girls I know just aren’t going to see me that way for some time.

I need to find some new people. This will be a challenge.

Hello everyone, I just wanted to say hi and that I’ve been in better spirits lately, much better than I have felt for a long time.

A lot of people on tumblr post their personal problems and feelings, and that was really hard for me to do, so thank you to all the people that took the time to read it, and extra thanks to the people who took a few minutes to talk to me.

I have read a lot of posts about girls not feeling pretty enough, or thin enough, or something similar. I just want to say that a lot of people feel that way, including some girls I’ve talked to that I think are just gorgeous, even if they don’t feel that way. And a lot of us guys feel the same way about ourselves.

We sometimes wish we had bigger shoulders and arms, six pack abs, or whatever certain quality it is that makes any particular girl go dreamy-eyed.

But trust me, no matter how you feel, or whatever insecurities you have, you’re not alone, and there’s probably someone who really wishes they could just open up and tell you how cute you are, and how much they want to spend time talking to you.

If I can learn to feel better, anyone can. I was getting to the point where just going outside almost make me have a panic attack. Don’t let it get that far. It sucks when it does. Talk to someone, open up and let it out. It takes time, and effort, but it’s worth it, and a little at a time, the weight lifts off of you, and things get easier. I promise.

In the meantime, I really need to get to know more girls that don’t already have a boyfriend, lol.

The guy that I confronted has now actually gone out of his way to make sure that something he was going to do was ok with me (not asking for my permission, but making sure that it wasn’t going to cause any problems for me).

I’m glad I went through with talking to him, and stuck it out in this particular situation. Things are so much better now. He’s even talking about hanging out together and doing stuff again, which hasn’t happened in literally years. I just like knowing that we aren’t “enemies”, and could potentially be good friends again.

The last few days have been somewhat boring, but not depressing or upsetting. The girl that walks her dog waves at me. I like that.

Other than that, there has been very little of interest going on. I need to find more things to do. But still, there’s not much to complain about compared to a few weeks back.

I had a pretty long talk yesterday with someone I really look up to, and totally opened up about how I’ve felt for a long time. He knew about a fair amount of it, but was surprised about a few things I had to say, and then opened up about things he’s insecure about. It was really something to hear the strongest guy I know talk about things like that, and in an interesting way, it made me feel a lot better about things.

Today the girl that walks her dog went by when I was gassing up the car. The dog kind of excitedly wandered in my direction in front of her, the dog is large, and always energetic. I don’t know what I was thinking, but it spooked me a little, and I just stuck my hand out in front of him, and he sniffed me, and stopped for a second, and I scratched him on the head. She smiled and said “Hi”, and I couldn’t believe I was about to talk to her. I had a mini-panic attack for about .25 seconds, and asked what the dog’s name was. His name is Pepper. I asked if her boyfriend got her a big dog to scare away other boys, and she laughed, and said she just loves dogs, and that her boyfriend is sort of skittish about dogs. I told her that must mean that she and Pepper are in charge, and she laughed, and said bye, and kept walking.

So, I really didn’t even care that she had a boyfriend, I talked to her. I feel really good about pulling that off, especially that I didn’t hesitate (much, lol) to come up with something to say off the top of my head. Usually it’s more like “I… umm… hey… do…. do you know what time it is?” (I ask stupid questions when I’m nervous).

So, good day. I think I’m going to start talking to more girls. I didn’t freak out anywhere near as much as I thought I would, and felt really great afterward.

Today I continued my efforts to get out of my rut. That person I confronted the other day had avoided most of my attempts to get in touch with them, but today I pressed the issue and got through, and I think things are going my way a little more. They apologized for how they handled the things that made me upset, and even mentioned trying to patch things up (besides making right the thing that they had done wrong).

Also, I intentionally flirted with a girl today, and immediately afterward, a second girl gave me a compliment. That felt pretty fantastic.

I don’t want to get overly excited about this, but I think I may have learned that it feels better to try and fail, than to never know if trying would get me anywhere.

I just wanted to say thank you to the other tumblr people who have offered advice and support. I still have a long way to go, but I feel good about having made a few important steps toward my goals.

Thank you. =]